"If 'insert name' were alive today....."

This is the most, bar none, overused bucket of stupid there is. There's nothing so over the top ridiculous as citing a past figure as so totally on your side, and they'd say so if not for them being fucking dead. I'm sorry, dead icons are not your personal yes man.

It can be the comical; Sirhan Sirhan stating with certitude that Bobby Kennedy would be in favor of his parole. Well shit, If he only he knew Bobby would be on his side in a parole hearing, maybe he wouldn't have put a bullet in the guys fucking skull. Son of a bitch, I guess they're right; hindsight IS 20/20!

This one takes the cake though. No shit, National Gun Appreciation Day organizer Larry Ward actually said:

"The truth is, I think Martin Luther King would agree with me if he were alive today that if African Americans had been given the right to keep and bear arms from day one of the country's founding, perhaps slavery might not have been a chapter in our history."

WHAT!??!?! - the obvious bucket overflowing with fucking stupid here is that slaves didn't have any rights under the law, and didn't have the right to do anything, let alone keep and bear arms - that's what SLAVERY means!! 

But shit, isn't that a kick in the dick; The Reverend Dr. Martin Luther King, an American icon of civil liberties, and equal rights would be, if not for the whole "being fucking dead thing" on your side if not for some cracker ex-con getting a gun and killing him. Sonuvva bitch!!!! If only there was a law that could keep, like, an ex-con with a history of violent crime from easily getting a gun. Like, maybe you could check his background, criminal history, and prevent sellers from selling him a gun? Y'know, whether he went to a gun shop, gun show, catalog, internet (yes gun-tards I know there was no internet in James Earl Rays day) or from one of his cracker buddies, it'd be tougher? That would be a good idea. Maybe really stiff penalties for a gun shop selling this guy a gun? Really stiff penalties for some cracker getting his cracker-buddy, who'd never pass a check, a gun. 

I know, I know, criminals don't obey the law that's why they're criminals. Well, drunk drivers don't follow the law either - so fuck it, let's just let people drive drunk right? That's such a bullshit argument. If your restaurant, or bar serves someone negligently, and they cause a death while driving drunk - you're on the hook jack. If someone sells a gun without a background check - put them on the fucking hook if something happens. If someone does a straw purchase (buys for someone else to bypass a background check on the real buyer) and those guns are put to ill use - put them on the fucking hook. We can at least hold gun sellers to the same standard as a goddamn bartender. THAT is not infringing on anybody's 2nd Amendment rights.

Who gives a shit? Really - why do we even care?

This is getting old.

Manti T'eo had a girlfriend. According to him she was the love of his life. She died. Coincidentally, she died the same day as his grandmother. Now the story breaks that this girlfriend was fictitious. Whether he made her up, or she was made up to begin with, and he fell in love online for the phony person, and - ARRGHH - who gives a shit how the details shake out. Story goes on that maybe the made up dead girlfriend story was all to engender sympathy on the part of Heisman voters. Really? Are Heisman voters really that soft-hearted? I'm actually inclined to believe he was duped, because being dumb explains EVERYTHING. First off, was the Gramma even real? I assume she was, because if they found out about the girlfriend, they had to have looked into the Gramma right? If Gramma was real, how dumb is it to think you need a dead girlfriend in the story because the drama of playing through a beloved dead Gramma is just not sad enough. Is this the NCAA or All My Children?

Also, Lance Armstrong has come clean. Yeah - I don't care about him either. Whoop de fuckin do. Lance cheated. Sorry. I really don't even care if he doped while competing. Seems this was a pretty widespread problem in professional cycling. Not sure why. I mean it's professional cycling for fuck sake. Very few cyclist become enormously wealthy. Not sure why you'd take the needle, and risk raisining your nuts for a cyclists paycheck. I don't know, maybe I'm wrong and elite cyclists rake it in. Lance's problem wasn't cheating, or using PEDs. His problem is being a self-important cock-wad. His problem was using his name and celebrity to crush people who criticized him by telling, what turns out to be, the truth. All I know is that I can never watch Dodgeball the same way again. I'll have to tell Vince Vaughan not to listen to Lance because he's a big headed, self-serving, lying little douche-nozzle. Fuck him and his little bracelet. Being a colossal dick, and ruining others' lives doesn't get wiped away because of charity. Dick - there's your legacy Capt One Nut.

It's really ridiculous that this is even a story. I mean, I get that it is. It's big because it's a freak show, and we all love a freak show, but why are we surprised? There are millions of dollars at the end, or even in the middle of, the sports star rainbow. You get to bang Sheryl Crow. Brent Musberger crows on TV how hot football player girlfriends are - because they are. Hello!!! You get to earn millions playing. Then you get to make more doing Wrangler ads - even after you text your dick to a girl in the PR dept. Who wouldn't lie, and cheat their way to that. We lie and cheat for even less. OF COURSE professional, and elite college athletes, lie. Of course they take PEDs by a large margin. And we love it. We love big, fast collisions. We love athletes dominate the competition. We love touchdowns, and long home runs. That's what we want. So, that's what we get. So quit fucking belly-aching when the curtain is pulled back showing it's all a put on.

You're welcome.

Move the Pro Bowl - for the love of Pete!!

Can we move the Pro Bowl? Please, can we?

NFL Football is the most popular sport in the United States. By far it has more fans, and more eyes on the television screen than NBA Basketball, Major League Baseball, and NHL Hockey. So why is its all star game, the Pro Bowl, the lamest, least watched, least covered, and least talked about of all the major sports all star games? Major League Baseball has a whole weekend of activities. Monday before the game is televised with the Home Run Derby, celebrity games, and other assorted activities. The NBA likewise enjoys a days long extravaganza of the Slam Dunk Competition, and the 3-Pt Shot Competition leading up to the All-Star Game. Hockey has its own skills competitions showcasing the skills that make the game so great.

Additionally these 3 events all take place in the middle of the season. They're a break of sorts where fans take a short break from the races that only then are about to be getting underway to celebrate the best participants the respective sports have to offer.

The NFL Pro-Bowl by comparison sucks. It totally sucks. It's a sucktacular sucktacle of suckage. No skills competitions, non-participation by a significant number of fan selected starters because of sore ankles, elbows, turf toes, hamstrings, and a general "who gives a shit, I'm here because of a contract bonus" air surrounds the entire affair. Well, I'm here to say it does not need to be that way, and it shouldn't.

The most important thing the NFL can do is move the Pro-Bowl. It's in the completely wrong time of the season. It's at the end. All the players are tired of playing. They're beat up, and worn down from the season. It's also played the week between the Conference Championship games, and the Super Bowl. Who gives a shit? How anti-climactic can you be? We've been ramping up to the playoffs all season, and then we're following the playoffs and all the drama entailed there. Then, finally, when we find out who's playing in the Super Bowl, the Worlds Championship of the biggest sport, but wait, let's take a break and watch an exhibition. What?!!?!? Really?!?!?! It's 15 degrees outside, and I'd rather take down my Christmas lights. (I know - slacker)

Move it to the beginning of the season. It can't be a mid-season break like the other sports. Move it to the beginning. Instead of the Hall of Fame Game between to teams, have the Pro-Bowl be the Hall of Fame Game. Really, it's at the beginning of the season. People are ready for football to be back. The athletes are just back from the off-season, and are ready to compete instead of ready to go home and rest.

It's a whole weekend. There's the Hall of Fame Inductions. There's a whole weekend to do skills competitions. There can be a NFL Fastest Man competition. There can be a Strongest Arm competition. There can be a Strongest Man competition. All of it on NFL Network, or ESPN. Then instead of an exhibition between tow teams 2nd and 3rd stringers hoping to make the kickoff coverage team we can watch the Pro-Bowlers we all elected the previous year.

BBWAA - Nice going douchenozzles

Baseball Writers Association of America are, collectively, a bunch of sanctimonious, pretentious douche-nozzles. They could not find ONE SINGULAR player who deserved (according to their highfalutin ass-hattery) entrance into Cooperstown. Among the players considered:

Barry Bonds: Career HR leader, and single season HR record holder. Only guy in baseball EVER to hit 500 HR, and steal 500 bases. Only fucking guy.

Roger Clemens: 354 wins, and 7 Cy Young awards. I'll say that again - 7 fucking Cy Young Awards. And before you yell steroids - 3 Cy Young awards before leaving Boston.

Craig Biggio: All he did was get 3,060 hits, play at an all-star level at 2 positions (C and 2B). I guess he's not a 1st ballot HOFer. What a bullshit, totally made up thing. "Oooh - he's so good he's a 1st ballot Hall of Famer." Suck it writers, you're either in or out. Robin Yount has the most comparable career to Biggio, and Yount was a "1st Ballot" guy. He had 3,142 hits. That's only 82 more, and he excelled at 2 positions as well.

Jack Morris: Dominant in his era and totally MONEY in the postseason - plus the best fucking mustache this side of Rollie Fingers.

Curt Shilling: See Jack Morris sans mustache, PLUS pitching in the 04 postseason on one leg.

Lee Smith: 3rd all time in career Saves with 478 - He's not in yet?!?! Are you fucking kidding me!?!?

Tim Raines: 7 consecutive all star appearances, 5th all time steals, The 4 ahead of him are all HOFers, including Ty Cobb, Rickey Henderson, and Lou Brock who have been bestowed the bullshit "1st Ballot" status. (Billy Hamilton's 914 steals in 14 seasons just wasn't good enough according to the writers, so he was named by the veterans committee in 1961.)

Lot's of people call players who used PEDs cheaters. Cheating is breaking the rules the other players are following for an unfair edge. Use of PEDs was widespread before they were banned until the early 2000s. It can't be cheating of most players were using them, and it can't be cheating if it's NOT AGAINST THE RULES. We couldn't hear enough about how great Bonds was, and how McGwire, and Sosa saved baseball with the chase of Maris in 98. You can't have it both ways. If steroids were such an edge, why didn't Canseco get to 500 HR? PEDs don't give you better hand/eye coordination to hit the ball, and they don't give pitchers better control of curve balls, and sliders. Besides, if use was widespread it's a wash. If you dominate your era, you're HOF. You're career speaks or it doesn't. Were players penalized who put up the numbers before the color barrier was broken? No. There is no question their numbers would have been different had the best players from the Negro leagues been playing, replacing the lesser white players who were only there BECAUSE of the color barrier. So take the "What would the numbers have been without PEDs?" argument, and shove it up your pompous ass.

And lastly, 1st ballot, 2nd ballot is a made up, bullshit thing. It means nothing because it's a totally subject to the la-di-dah whims of the BBWAA. No player has ever been unanimously voted into the HOF? What? There isn't ONE player all writers could ever agree should be in the HOF? The highest percentage for a HOF inductee was Tom Seaver who received 425 of 430 votes (98.8%). Who DIDN'T vote for Tom Seaver? Babe fucking Ruth got 215 of 226 votes for 95.1%. 9 people didn't think Ruth should have been in Cooperstown? 9!!! Hank Aaron, 406 of 415. What? Was it the same 9 dumb-ass idiots? Why do we let these fuckheads decide the Hall of Fame. If you don't all agree on something as obvious as the (at that time) all time HR leader is HOF worthy, you're as useless as tits on a bull. And, anyways, who made them, the big sheriffs of baseball integrity? Why are they the guardians of our game. Fuck them. Frankly, the Veterans Committee should be given the selection job by Cooperstown since the BBWAA can't stop fucking it up.

Christ! No wonder the players can't stand the writers. They're fucking dicks.

Whaaaaaa?????????

Conservatives love 2 things more than anything else. National defense and the 2nd Amendment. That's kinda funny though, because if you believe Alex Jones and his meltdown (hooooooooly shit - did you watch that), the reason we need unregulated gun ownership is BECAUSE of the government and their guns. Of course gun "enthusiasts" never mention how their AR-15s, and AK-47s will be effective against the military's M-16s and M-4s, to say nothing of the rocket propelled grenades, shoulder launch missiles, fighters, bombers, armored vehicles. Right - if the government becomes tyrannical - by making everyone buy health insurance - we will be forced to defend ourselves. Now I know it's not fair to view 2nd Amendment advocates through the prism of Mr. Jones, but let's be real, there's an asshattery charged end of this debate that REALLY thinks giving up guns is what the elites in the New World Order want so they can start the slippery slope of oppression.

Really???????

Look if the cause of gun violence has nothing to do with guns - which sounds counter intuitive - let's have a real discussion about it. If the platitude "Guns don't kill people. People kill people." is true, and I think it is, then let's follow it to its logical conclusion. If you throw that out in a debate, and think it's the endpoint, you're being lazy. What does it mean? It means the problem variable in the gun violence is people. Some people should NOT have fucking guns. That's what it means. What does that mean? It means closing loopholes for background checks so people that shouldn't have guns have a tougher time getting them. No background checks at gun shows? Close it. If that inconveniences enthusiasts - tough shit. We have a right to go to the mall, or the movie, or our kids to school and NOT get shot. That's my liberty, and your right to arms interferes with it. So fuck you and your gun.

Oh, and the 2nd Amendment having intent to arm citizens to overthrow oppressive government - wrong. It's to serve in state militias in defense of a free state. Read the 2nd Amendment, and read the Federalist Papers. Look at Federalist #29 in particular.

After that if you still want to protect us from the government - cut the Pentagon's budget. It's too goddamn big anyway. The Founders were not fans of standing armies, so don't cherry pick their ideas selfishly. Own all that. Besides, now that Republicans are concerned about the deficit and wasteful spending, put that shit on the chopping block too. More than the next 13 countries in the world combined is what we spend on defense, AND countries with defense budgets #4 through #9 are our allies. Do we need to protect ourselves from France?

You're welcome

Roll Tide?? - Go Irish?? Who gives a shit

National championship of big time college football is at stake tonight. There are many things wrong with Division 1 NCAA football in general, and with the BCS in particular, but that's for another time.

My problem is the teams in the game. Can't really stand either one of them. Perennial powers for sure, but ...... meh .... who cares?

When any team does well there are always bandwagon jumpers. It is what it is, but when it comes to 'Bama, and the Irish it's a whole new level. This game is like "America's college team" against "America's other college team." It's like the Roger Staubach era Dallas Cowboys are playing the Troy Aikman era Dallas Cowboys. And I know this is "hating." I'll own that.

Every fucking Crimson Tide fan has crawled out of the woodwork with the "Roll Tide" and "Bear Bryant" and Joe Namath bullshit. Crimson Tide is a dumbass team nickname. It's even stupider than the Oregon Ducks. Bear Bryant has been a rotting corpse feeding worms, while Joe Pa passed his record while protecting a pedophile to do so, and Joe Namath was the drunk ass slobbering all over Suzy Kolber. Suck on that Bama fans.

Irish fans are even worse. They're almost as bad as Minnesota Viking fans. The only difference is that at least ND has won something since - forever. Knute Rockne coached forever ago. Joe Montana is doing fucking Skechers commercials - SKECHERS!!!! Lou Holtz talk like he's wearing Rick Mirer's old mouthpiece, and your mascot is a faggoty little dude who runs away from kids so he doesn't have to share his breakfast cereal. Suck it Irish.

Hope this doesn't offend anyone too much, but if you're a fan of either of these teams without any affiliation (family, friend, or you are alums) you're a front running bandwagon jumper. I hope the game is high scoring, and a tie till the end when it's decided by a bad call. That way if you're team won - suck it - it's only because of a bad call they won, and if you're team is on the losing end. Too bad. Shouldn't root for a loser.

Col. Jessup is a douchebag

A Few Good Men was on the other night. I love that movie. It's a compelling story, and the acting is outstanding by everyone in it. My personal favorite is Kevin Bacon as the Marine prosecutor Captain Jack Ross. He's a Marine to the core. No bullshit, by the book. He knows his duty, and is committed to it 100 percent. But....that's not the point here.

Jack Nicholson as Colonel Nathan Jessup is the fan favorite. And deservedly so. His character is the one that carries the movie. Cruise's Lt. Caffey is an interesting character only after he finds out in a drunken state that the reason he was picked to represent the case due to his history of plea bargain to keep the case out of court and avoid embarrassing Col. Jessup. Demi Moore, and Kevin Pollack? I think these 2 are superfluous, and the story could have been told without them. The only exposition involving them is Pollack's serving as a sounding board as Cruise realizes he's being played as a puppet.

No, Nicholson as Jessup is the guy, and the "You can't handle the truth" monologue is the money dialog in the movie. It should be. Nicholson brings it home in this climax of the movie. I mean, he drives it home.

But the guy's a colossal dick. He's the biggest kind of dick there is. Lost in the passionate dialog about walls, and standing posts is the realization that 1) He's a Colonel, and hasn't stood post since forever, and 2) He's letting 2 guys that DID stand post under his command take the fall for internal discipline that he ordered that went bad in the worst way. I didn't serve, but my Dad did serve 23 years in the Navy. At all the command functions we went to over the year, ship's picnics, parties with colleagues, professional friends over there were a lot of conversations I heard, and over-heard. A commanding officer that lets the people in their command take the heat for their screw ups was the worst kind of CO.

So, Nicholson brought down the house in his portrayal of Colonel Jessup, and Bacon was quintessential Marine as Captain Ross, but at the end of the story Jessup got what he deserved, because he let Pfc Downing, and Lance Cpl Dawson take the fall.