Names - they say more than you think.

What's in a name? Well, Lisas are cool. Tinas are always skanks. Candi is a stripper name, but Cyndi is not. Dans are pretty cool. Steves are cool, but Stephens are self absorbed, and too macho. Teds are almost always nerds. Bretts are know-it-alls. Lisas are cool. Jens are cool, unless they insist on being  called Jennifer - then they're stuck up. Jenny is OK - if you're 12!

Amys - they're the best. They like beer and football. Laugh at dirty jokes, and are never uptight. Anyone who goes only by the full version of their name is stuck up. Elizabeth - stuck up. Beth and Betsy - very cool. They like beer too, but are soccer fans. Betsys do like baseball though.
Katrina - stuck up, but usually hot. Katy, and Trina - cool. Kerry - cool. Carri - stripper. Carrie - pain in the ass. Anns and Sues are cool. Annabelles are nerds. Susan is the only exception to the full version name rule. Susans are just as cool as Sues. More on this bit as it develops. And people - don't blame the messenger. I don't make the rules.......

Jesses are cool if they're girls. Jesses as dudes are touch and go. Could be cool. Could be a criminal douchecanoe. Jessicas? Do I need to keep explaining? If she goes by Jess, she'd pretty cool. If she insists on Jessica - bitch. Les - cool. Lester - pervert. Rich is a tough one. If they laugh when you call them Dick - they are cool. If they say in all seriousness "It's Rich," they're a dick. Al is cool if it's Allen. If it's Alvin - nerd either way. George - have you seen Looney Tunes? The dumb guy names everything George. I know it's from Mice and Men. Again - just the messenger.

Bonnies are cool, especially if their nicknames are Bon-Bon, or something similar. Kims are cool too, but the full name rule applies here. Kimberlys are stuck up - Kims are cool. Saras are usually pretty cool. Tammys are whiny and annoying - if it's Tami - she's probably a stripper. Fun fact, female names ending in "i" are most likely strippers. Er - I mean "exotic dancers" What-the fuck ever. Lindas and Lauras are usually pretentious. Lauras are smart, and can pull it off.

Bambi - come on, this is obvious. Stripper. Morgan are usually dingy, but hot most of the time. Kathy with a K is a cool name, but Cathys with a C are nerds. The only exceptions are if they finish with the "i." In this case they are dingbats or strippers. Michelles are always cool, and easy to hang with, and usually like to have beers. Patricias are like female Richards. If it's Patty - they're probably cool. If it's Trish, they might be crazy, so be careful. If they go by Pat, they are probably lesbians, and can kick your ass. Again, if they insist on the full version of their name - Patricia - stuck up and snotty.

Carlys are cool, and almost always really fun and quick with jokes. Carlys are very funny. Anns are cool. Annies are either stuck up, or nerds. Even if they are not hot, they're stuck up. Charles is tricky too. Chucks are usually pretty cools. Chuckies are crazy. Charlies are kinda dorks. If they insist on Charles - they are probably dickheads. Jeffs are usually pretty cool, but in a nerdy way. Geoffs are pinheads - come on spell it right. Jeffery/Geoffrey - always overly effeminate, and most likely homosexual - not that there's anything wrong with that.

Mark - good name. Marcuses are usually pretty cool unless they spell it with the "k" - kinda jaggish. Jason most of the time turns out to be a knob, and if they spell it "Jayson" - total ass. Tiffany - total skank, and if she wraps it up with an "i" at the end - stripper. Maynard - dork. Audreys are cool most of the time. Bill - cool. If they go by Billy, they're either a special needs student, or totally funny. William - asshole. Petes are cool. Peter? Dunno - something about having a penis euphamism as a name - just like Dick. Let's see, Good to know. Apollo? Total jackass, and a pet's name anyway. Tim - cool. Timmys are usually wusses, or life of the party. Timothys are pretentious, and annoying. Sam - girls and boys go by Sam. Sams of either gender are pretty cool. Samanthas are bitches. Samuels are total dorks. Pauls are almost always cool, as are Paulas. Paulines are usually kinda bookish, but in a cute way.

Any names left out leave in comment, and I'll address them.

Soulmates?!??!??

Not to sound bitter here, because life is quite good, and who am I to begrudge others their myths. But seriously, how is the idea of a soul mate still widespread? You know, soul mate; the one person on this world you are meant to be with. Of the entirety of humanity, they are the one person you are meant to be with.

My first question is what if my soul mate lives in the mountains of Nepal? Is part of the soul mate mythology that they also live in a certain radius, and speak the same language you do? What if your soul mate speaks Portuguese? Ever try to find Portuguese tutors? It's not easy. Spanish, German, Chinese - those tutors are everywhere. I guess it's a good thing there are a lot of Chinese tutors. There are a billion Chinese, and if they're each somebody's soul mate, a lot of people will need to learn Chinese.

Sometimes a soul mate is encountered that renders an existing relationship null, and facilitates a breakup. Seems contrary to romantic myths that a soul mate would reveal themselves only to bring pain to the non-soul mate. I guess romance can't be romantic all the time. It's a pretty cool coincidence when the soul mate is a co-worker of sombody's significant other, I guess. I mean, they speak the same language, and they're right there at work. No global jumping around. No message in a bottle for Robin Wright to trace. No syndicated radio shows with Tom Hanks calling in. Dammit! They're sitting right there by the elevator. Awesome!!

Of course we need soul mates, and assorted romantic myths. Otherwise card makers, florists, candy makers, makers of giant Lexus bows, Micheal Bolton's music, and Meg Ryan's movie career would be null. Do you know how many print jobs are supported by greeting cards? Holy shit, they're one of the last things, aside from junk mail still being printed what with books going digital. In the end silly romantic myths are fuel for the economy, and who am I to threaten the livelihood of people working in chocolate factories?

Ahhhh the hell with it. Believe in your stupid soul mate.