Smartasses of the world unite!!

Generally a smartass and believer in the Twainism that Against the assualt of laughter, nothing can stand. Mission: mock bigotry, narcisism, and ignorance. This is a collection of thoughts on baseball, politics, economics, and occasional other things.

Follow me on Twitter

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

This just in - Matthew McConaughey is good.

This just in; Matthew McCounaughey has 180'd his career from the early 2000s. It's stunning how good he actually is.

Usually I try not to follow TV series. I don't say that because I don't watch TV, or look down objectionably on TV. There's actually a lot of good content on TV. Generally when I am watching TV I find myself suffering from "writer's guilt." What that means that I find myself saying "What am I watching this for? I should be writing. Instead of watching TV I should be writing a story, or following an idea that could become a TV show (or movie, or whatever)."

Have you seen HBO's True Detective? It's good. It's scary good. Not that it's scary. I just haven't seen anything this compelling to watch in a long time. There are a lot of reasons to watch it. The story is thick, and layered. All the characters are good. None of them are throw aways, or fillers. Woody Harrelson is really good, but he's really good in just about anything. I mean, who would have thought the guy playing Woody Boyd - a replacement character when the guy playing Coach died on Cheers - would turn out to be one of the BEST actors of our generation. I cannot think of a thing he's been bad in.

But this is about Matthew McConaughey, who has not been good in everything he's done. He was really good in A Time To Kill as an "Atticus Finchey" Jake Tyler Brigance, but that was 20 years ago. I thought that U-571 was pretty good, but he was just OK in it. The best part of Failure To Launch was Terry Bradshaw. The rest of the movie sucked. We Are Marshall was OK. Since A Time To Kill Matthew McConaughey has been, in my opinion, girl candy in movies.

Now I'm wrong. The past year Matthew McConaughey has been off the charts good. I didn't see Magic Mike, but reviews loved him in it. I'll trust the reviews, and will not be seeing Magic Mike. His part in The Wolf Of Wall Street kicks ass. What a sleazy douche. He just won the Best Actor Oscar for his portrayal of Ron Woodruff in Dallas Buyers Club. The reason I'm writing this piece is Detective Rust Cohl in HBO's True Detective. Every scene he's in is can't miss watching. He's part enigma, part shaman, part cynic, part witch doctor, and part tough guy cop. And you just want to see He owns every scene, EVERY scene. He's taking scenes from Woody Harrelson. Remember I just got done telling you a few paragraphs back he's a great actor.

So here's to Matthew McConaughey kicking ass, and showing everyone how talented, and good he really is.

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

A writer's tribute to Harold Ramis - the writer

If you're a fan of the movie careers of John Belushi, Bill Murray, Rodney Dangerfield, or Dan Akroyd - and there are lots of those people - you're a fan of the writing of Harold Ramis. Harold Ramis passed February 24, 2014 (yesterday). The movie comedies he had his fingerprints all over compare to Woody Allen's work. While being less pretentious, and characterized by the neuroses of Mr Allen's work, they're also more accessible with characters more identified with underdogs, nerds, smart asses, boors, and people who fart at parties. You know, all of us! While there is no Carl Spackler without Bill Murray, or Bluto Blutarsky without John Belushi, or Al Czervik without Rodney Dangerfield, to name a few they did have to be written first. Those actors made those characters so memorable. The one thing is common they all have is Harold Ramis wrote, or co-wrote, the dialog, and lines they made so memorable. Everything starts with writing. Every movie, every tv show at their most elemental started out as characters on a page, and Harold Ramis was really, really good at it. This is my list of the 5 best dialog lines of selected Harold Ramis films as a tribute. These are not in order of favorite movie, or favorite quote, and as a tribute to the writing part of it all, there is no video linked, just dialog as written.

(disclosure: Harold Ramis shared writing credits is all of these movies, so that should be noted. Then again, how many of them died yesterday - this is a tribute to Harold Ramis)

From Stripes:

John: C'mon, it's Czechoslovakia. We zip in, we pick 'em up, we zip out again. We're not going to Moscow. It's Czechoslovakia. It's like going into Wisconsin.
Russell: Well I got the shit kicked out of me in Wisconsin once. Forget it

Recruiter: Now, are either of you homosexuals?
John: (Russell and John look into each others eyes, and John looks back at recruiter) You mean like flaming, or...
Recruiter: It's a standard question we have to ask.
Russell: No. We're not homosexual, but we are willing to learn.

Cruiser: I guess we're going after John and Russell. Can't believe they're Russian spies.
Psycho: Alls I know is, I finally get to kill somebody.
John: Tito Puente's gonna be dead someday, an you're gonna say, "Oh, I've been listening to him for years, and I think he great."
Psycho: The name's Francis Soyer, but everybody calls me Psycho. Any you guys call be Francis, and I'll kill you.
Leon: Oooooh
Psycho: You just made the list buddy. And I don't like nobody touching my stuff. So just keep your meathooks off. If I catch any of you guys in my stuff, I'll kill you. Also, I don't like nobody touching me. Now, any of you.....homos.....touch me, I'll kill you.
Sgt Hulka: Lighten up Francis.

From Caddyshack:

Carl: He's the Cinderella boy. Uh - tears in his eyes, I guess ..  as he lines up his last shot. He's got about 195 yards left. He's got about an 8-iron. The crowd has gone deathly silent. The Cinderella story, from outta nowhere, former greens keeper now, about to become Masters champion. (swings rake and chops tops of flowers) Oh he got all-a that one! It looks like a mirac - It's in the hole!

Al: (to his asian companion) Hey Wang. I think this club is restricted, so don't tell them you're Jewish - ok.

Carl: (to young caddie holding pitchfork under chin) So we finish the 18th and he's gonna stiff me. And I say "Hey Lama! Hey, how about a little something, y'know, for the effort. And he looks at me and he says, "There'll be no money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness." So I got that going for me, which is nice.

Al: Oh look at this hat. This is the worst looking hat I ever saw. What? I bet when you buy this hat you get a free bowl of soup
(looks at Judge Smails who's wearing same hat)
Al: Oh, looks good on you though.

Ty: Be the ball Danny. Just be the ball.
Danny: (blindfolded) Kinda hard to be the ball with you talking
Ty: I'm not talking. I'm perfectly quiet now.

From Animal House:

Bluto: (laying on floor after having been expelled) Christ! 7 years of down the drain. Might as well join the fuckin' Peace Corps.

D-Day: (to Bluto) Let it go. War's over. Wormer dropped the big one.
Bluto: (to group) What?! Over?! Did you say "over?" Nothing is over until we say it is! Was it over when the German's bomber Pearl Harbor? Hell no!
Otter: (to Boon) Germans?
Boon: (to otter) Forget it. He's on a roll.
Bluto: And it ain't over now. 'Cause when the going gets tough......(thinks of rest)....the tough get going! Who's with me?! Let's go!! (runs out of room alone)

Bluto: See if you can guess what I am now? (shoves hard boiled egg into mouth - chews - pounds each cheek spewing egg bits) - I'm a zit! Get it!

Otter: (to Flounder) Founder, you can spend your whole life worrying about your mistakes! You fucked up! ........ You trusted us! Hey, make the best of it. Maybe we can help!
Flounder: (still crying) That's easy for you to say! What am I supposed to tell Fred?!
Otter: I'll tell you what. I'll tell Fred you were doing a great job taking care of his car, but you parked it out back last night,...and this morning.....it was gone! We report it stolen to the police. D-Day takes care of the wreck. Your brother's insurance company buys him a new car!
Flounder (sobbing) You think that'll work?
Otter: Hey, it's gotta be better than the truth.
Bluto: (thrusting 6-pack of beer into Flounder's hands) My advice to you is; start drinking, heavily.
Otter: Better listen to him Flounder. He's pre-med.

Hoover: (subtly to Boon) Will you tell those assholes to shut up?
Boon: (stands and turns to group) Hey! Shut up you assholes!

From Ghostbusters:

(all 3 looking at ceiling through out scene)
Ray: Y'know, it just occurred to me that we haven't really had a successful test of this equipment.
Egon: I blame myself.
Peter: So do I.
Ray: Well, no sense worrying about it now.
Peter: Why worry? Each one of us is carrying an unlicensed nuclear accelerator on his back. 

Ray: Symmetrical book stacking! Just like the Philadelphia Mass Disturbance of 1947!
Peter: You're tight. No humans would stack books this way.

Ray: (into walkie talkie to Egon) He slimed Venkman!
Egon Great! Save me some.

Peter: (after Ray's proton blaster has destroyed a chandelier, and many dining tables in the hotel ballroom) Whoa whoa!..... Nice shootin' Tex!
Egon: There's something very important I forgot to tell you.
Peter: What?
Egon: Don't cross the streams.
Peter: Why?
Egon: It would be bad.
Peter: I'm a little fuzzy on the whole good/bad thing. What do you mean "bad?"
Egon: Try to imagine all life as you know it stopping instantaneously, and every molecule in your body exploding at the speed of light.
Ray: Total protonic reversal.
Peter: Right, that's bad. OK. Alright. Important safety tip. Thanks Egon.

Monday, February 24, 2014

The funniest guy only funny people have heard of.

Harold Ramis just passed away.

When you talk about Caddyshack, most people remember Bill Murray, Rodney Dangerfield, and Chevy Chase.

When you talk about Stripes most people recite lines by Bill Murray, John Candy. and "Lighten up Francis."

When you talk about Animal House most people think of John Belushi, well mostly John Belushi.

When Ghostbusters comes up, mostly we quote Bill Murray, Dan Akroyd, and Rick Moranis.

Harold Ramis wrote all those movies to name just a few. His imdb is here.

Once you see the face you'll recognize Russell Ziskey from Stripes, and Dr. Egon Spengler from Ghostbusters. Now, you could say Bill Murray could say anything, and it'd be funny, and that's probably true. People that follow, and appreciate comedy know how funny, and talented Harold Ramis was. Find another writer with that many laughs on his filmography, and tv credits. it's not hyperbole to say he was prolific in his involvement in the world of sketch, tv, and film comedy since the 70s.

I'm bummed today, because the world is a little less funny till the next Harold Ramis comes along. So when you say:

"It's in the hole!" or
"I'm a zit. Get it!?" or
"He slimed Venkman." "Great. Save me some."

Remember those are the words of Ramis brought to life by people commonly called geniuses. Harold Ramis; comedy genius. Rest in Peace

Sunday, February 23, 2014

Soulmates?!??!??

Not to sound bitter here, because life is quite good, and who am I to begrudge others their myths. But seriously, how is the idea of a soul mate still widespread? You know, soul mate; the one person on this world you are meant to be with. Of the entirety of humanity, they are the one person you are meant to be with.

My first question is what if my soul mate lives in the mountains of Nepal? Is part of the soul mate mythology that they also live in a certain radius, and speak the same language you do? What if your soul mate speaks Portuguese? Ever try to find Portuguese tutors? It's not easy. Spanish, German, Chinese - those tutors are everywhere. I guess it's a good thing there are a lot of Chinese tutors. There are a billion Chinese, and if they're each somebody's soul mate, a lot of people will need to learn Chinese.

Sometimes a soul mate is encountered that renders an existing relationship null, and facilitates a breakup. Seems contrary to romantic myths that a soul mate would reveal themselves only to bring pain to the non-soul mate. I guess romance can't be romantic all the time. It's a pretty cool coincidence when the soul mate is a co-worker of sombody's significant other, I guess. I mean, they speak the same language, and they're right there at work. No global jumping around. No message in a bottle for Robin Wright to trace. No syndicated radio shows with Tom Hanks calling in. Dammit! They're sitting right there by the elevator. Awesome!!

Of course we need soul mates, and assorted romantic myths. Otherwise card makers, florists, candy makers, makers of giant Lexus bows, Micheal Bolton's music, and Meg Ryan's movie career would be null. Do you know how many print jobs are supported by greeting cards? Holy shit, they're one of the last things, aside from junk mail still being printed what with books going digital. In the end silly romantic myths are fuel for the economy, and who am I to threaten the livelihood of people working in chocolate factories?

Ahhhh the hell with it. Believe in your stupid soul mate.

Monday, February 17, 2014

Why blog?

Why blog?

Many have asked, been asked, and have given or received any variation of answers.

It's not philosophical. "I blog. Therefore I am.

We blog for many reason. Among them are career. We blog to build follow-ship so we may show publishers that people like what we write when the time comes to show them why our book is worth printing. We blog to build traffic so that advertisers see up as a good spot to put cyber billboards on the information superhighway.

We blog for ego. We have an opinion, and it's really cool, and valuable. We came to it over much thought, or it incubated in our brains' subconscious till it burst out in an "Aha!!!!" It's so awesome we have to share our revelation to everyone.

We blog because we have a story to tell, and all the mental noise from randomness that our brains generate as we flutter to and from idea - to idea - to distraction - back to idea, and following the distraction must be reconciled, and put somewhere in the event we need to come back to it. Because while it seems silly on its own, it might be a part of a puzzle that will assemble into something really cool.

We blog for community because we know others like us are out there reading silly things in the ether, and the identification every person needs on some level. "Hey, I was thinking of that too!" or "Shit! I was thinking of that, and someone else wrote it first."

We blog for self-esteem. If we didn't blog, we'd keep a journal, or diary. Blogging is cooler on some level than journaling.

We blog because we see the worlds' events, and ego says we need to share our perspective so that minds may change, and we can advance the way we see things. And even though friends from time to time think we're full of shit we need to speak up.

We blog because we just discovered this really cool idea, and need to share this discovery.

Monday, February 10, 2014

OH MY GOD!!! GAY FOOTBALL PLAYER!!!!

In case you haven't heard Michael Sam is homosexual. Who is Michael Sam? Michael Sam is a football player for the University of Missouri. He's really good - reeeeeeaaaaaally good. He's 6 foot 3, and weighs 260 lbs. He won 2013 SEC Defensive player of the year along with C.J. Mosely of Alabama.

Most of the draft experts had him projected to go in rounds 3 - 5. He's one of those "tweeners' as a defensive end in college. Questions like "Can he get to be big enough to play DE in the NF?" or "Is he fast enough to convert to LB?" You know - GM type questions. Such is it is, he could be a guy that goes in the middle rounds, or a guy some team reaches for, or a guy who doesn't get drafted.

Based on that alone, his coming out was a display of HUUUUUGE balls. A 1st round talent is probably going in the 1st round/early 2nd, whether he come out pre draft or not. Projected late round selections are going late, or pinning hopes on free agency. Mr. Sam is risking a lot of money on this, and that's really brave.

He's going to be drafted lower than he would have been. That's not a bold prediction, and it's not an indictment on NFL GMs. Football guys want football players, and they typically don't want to answer questions that have nothing to do with football. There will be no shortage of them in the time that passes between now and the NFL draft. One, it only takes one, will bet on him, and the door will be kicked down.

That's not a reflection on the NFL. That's a reflection on all of us. It used to be "Oh my god - that dude's gay." Now it's "Oh my god - that dude's gay, AND doesn't care who knows it." We're the problem, not the "manly" culture of professional sports.

Michael Sam is a brave man - far braver than most. He's the 1st openly gay football player at his level. Things will be harder for him for that reason. They're always harder on the one's who are first. They were harder for Jackie Robinson than they were for the African American players who came after him in the Major Leagues. Jackie Robinson not only had to put up with the bullshit, he had to be good. Michael Sam has to be good. He also has to be bigger than the small minds in some other players, front office people, and fans.

Here's hoping his talent is as big as his balls are.

Sunday, February 9, 2014

Could we keep things in perspective? Please???

Enough already. Enough!

If I hear one more "So and so are like the Nazis" I'm gonna ....... engage in my own hyperbole.

Seriously, do you know how stupid, and uniformed you sound when you say healthcare, or gun control laws are like the Nazis? You sound ignorant. To be fair I will tell you what are acceptable things to say are "like the Nazis.:

1) The Nazis

That's the list. All of it. The whole enchilada. The kit and kaboodle. Unless your store windows are being broken, and your business shuttered because of your faith, or descendants you can't compare current affairs to the Nazis. Unless you have to produce identification papers to ride the goddamned bus, what's happening isn't remotely close to what happened under the Nazis in the 1930s and 40s. Unless there's a suspicious new camp erected near your town by the railroad, and you don't recall there being much activity related to hiring people to work there - what's happening isn't anywhere near what happened in eastern Germany, and Poland in the 1940s. Nobody. Let me repeat, nobody, no group, no party is like the Nazis. Not even remotely so.

So stop. Stop it. Stop being historically illiterate, and ignorant.

While we're at it let's address another bit of historical hyperbole that has become in vogue lately when it comes to debate, ahem "debate." Comparisons to Stalin and Mao. Again, to be fair, there are acceptable comparisons to Stalin and Mao,

1) Stalin
2) Mao

I know, it's a list that's twice as long. Still, it's short enough to quickly commit to memory. When the political parties in your country take political opponents, put them on trains to work camps you can say they're just like Stalin or Mao. When their writings are made illegal, burned, and printers penalized for producing them, you can compare them to Stalin and Mao. Till then you need to find a more apt comparison. Political bullies are not in short supply, and they come in varieties across the political spectrum.

Please, apply some sense of perspective.

Friday, February 7, 2014

Creationism - not science

Much was made this week of the debate between Bill Nye (of "The Science Guy" fame), and Ken Ham who runs the Creation Museum in Kentucky.

I did not watch the debate, but I did follow the reactions to it online. It did not seem to change anybody's mind. Those on either side of this ideological fence appeared to stay on their respective sides, and each side advanced the notion that "their guy" carried the day. Whatever.

I don't know if these questions are typical of the "Creationism as science" movements, but I do feel confident saying most of them are philosophical in nature. And therein lies the point. Creationism is not science because "God did it" is, regardless of your personal faith, an unobservable, untestable, and experimentally unrepeatable hypothesis. That is the one thing that is common is all varieties of sciences.

As to the questions posed by creationists in the link above, I found some pretty cool questions in reply. I also have my own to some. This would be needlessly long I did all 22.


1) “Bill Nye, are you influencing the minds of children in a positive way?”
Learning to use the scientific method helped us cure disease, fly, go to the moon. Teaching that is astoundingly positive.

2) “Are you scared of a Divine Creator?”
If I were an atheist I would say "No. There's nothing to be afraid of." If I were a Christian I would say "No. God has unconditional love for me."

3) “Is it completely illogical that the Earth was created mature? i.e. trees created with rings … Adam created as an adult ....”
It's not illogical at all. It does have a low degree of probability. Probability is a pretty important part of scientific method. Statistical analysis of experimental data helps us predict outcomes in future experiments, or real world application. It's philosophically logical that the universe was created as it is now yesterday by a divinity with endless power, and all memories we have were planted there by said divinity. It is also highly unlikely. 

5) “How do you explain a sunset if their [sic] is no God?” 
Really? The Earth orbits the Sun, and therefore the Sun is in a fixed position relative to Earth. Earth rotates on its axis. When the part of Earth you are on approaches the position where the Sun will become no longer visible - sunset.

8) “Where do you derive objective meaning in life?”
Meaning in life is completely subjective. This is a decidedly un-scientific question. Meaning? Try art, literature, music, science. Meaning is everywhere, and different to each of us. 

20) “How can you look at the world and not believe someone created/thought of it? It’s amazing!!!” 
It is amazing. Understanding things outside of religious dogma doesn't make them less amazing. I find the fact that the molecules in my body are more empty space than actual matter, and that those molecules are made of the same sub-atomic matter as stars, is utterly amazing.

22) “If we came from monkeys then why are there still monkeys?”
Evolutionary theory holds that humans and other apes evolved from a common ancestor, not that humans evolved from monkeys.

As to the origins of man, you are free to believe what you choose. You may even cull that from religious dogma and call it truth. What you can't do is call it science, and insist it belongs in school science curriculum.