Smartasses of the world unite!!

Generally a smartass and believer in the Twainism that Against the assualt of laughter, nothing can stand. Mission: mock bigotry, narcisism, and ignorance. This is a collection of thoughts on baseball, politics, economics, and occasional other things.

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Friday, May 9, 2014

Online dating - threat to monogamy or bullshit?

A Million First Dates


Interesting piece recommended in general by someone on a dating site.

Equally as interesting are the reply pieces with an array of perspectives.

I quite disagree with the conclusion that online dating has made commitment, and monogamy a dying phenomenon. I think the issue has too many moving parts, and none of the pieces attempt to isolate variables in a meaningful way. It's all anecdotal, which makes any perspective based on any individual story or "my friend's" (yeah right) story equally valid, or more correctly invalid.

Online dating is, in the history of dating context, a recent development. It's slightly less recent than the feminist movement, no-fault divorce, increased divorce, the sexual revolution, Disney princesses, daytime drama, prime time drama, reality TV, reality matchmaking TV, American Idol, and the fucking tea party. That is to say, our recent history is replete with movements and phenomena that reinforce our Freudian Ego with the idea that the perfection we want is out there. All we have to do is go get it. And goddamn do we go get it.

Problem with that is there are no competing phenomena to help our Freudian Id. Poor Id. The most important subconscious job, and Ego gets all the ammo. It's the Dark Side/Light Side of the Force dichotomy. The Dark side is more powerful, and easier, but the Light side wins with discipline and patience. But who wants to go through all the training?

My experience with online dating began with my divorce. At first it was a reinforcement that I was, indeed, not a freak. There were all kinds of divorced people out there. Most of them were quite normal. I'm sure, like most people feeling the rejection divorce brings with it, online dating also brought back feeling attractive to the opposite sex. That's powerful, and it's easy to follow it down the dark side, especially when it comes in waves - as it can online - when messaging multiple people.

Online dating also gives an immediate sense of identifying people who accept myths that I reject. Soul mate? The one person in the world meant for me, who just happens to be in a 25 mile radius. Can't find her, set your search criteria to 50 miles. Sorry, soul mate, not real. Thank you Disney, soap operas, the Bachelor/Bacheloerette and most every romantic comedy for sharing that sweet piece of bullshit with everyone. There is no such thing as a soul mate. I hope when I meet mine, she does not hold it against me. I was able to read dating profiles with this "one true love" shit, and quickly go "next."

No matter what happens, you'll land on your feet. Get up, and carry on. The ONLY difference between doing that online versus offline is that online you see all the faces/profiles. Offline it's a matter of confidence that you'll be OK. That only comes with experience. Online you see the safety net, and offline you do not. Are you more likely to take risks seeing the net, or just knowing it's there?

But those things are not endemic to online dating. In the analog world you can find yourself with multiple dating options. You still need to make 2 choices. Choice 1 is whom to date. Choice 2 is to not be a douche. That's really what it comes to.

Thursday, May 8, 2014

25 Draft Day Predictions 2014

By including the year in the title I am in no way indicating that I have made predictions in the past, or that I will do so in the future.

This is a short list of predictions,

1) 32 NFL GMs will tell us they are very happy with their first selection, and that they believe that he will be an impact player for years to come.

2) 31 Owners will likewise express excitement about said players.

3) The Packers, not having an owner, will have that sentiment echoed by the team president.

4) Mel Kiper Jr. will tell us that a player is a reach when he's taken at least 7 times.

5) Jon Gruden will tell us that the player taken is a great football player, that you can't just go by measurables, and that Mel Kiper Jr. is full of shit. Of course he won't use that language.

6) Roger Goodell will hug a lot of guys on stage as if he was really good buddies with them.

7) 32 1st round selections will hug, and fist bump Roger Goodell, without giving away how full of shit they think he is - on the advice of agents of course.

8) Once the 1st overall pick is made, many fans of the team picking him will be gleefully excited.

9) Once the 1st overall pick is made, many fans of the team picking him will be apoplectic that they did not take the other guy.

10) Most of the rabid draftniks don't know what apoplectic means.

11) Twitter will be ablaze all night in fury over 32 teams 1st round selections.

12) So will Facebook.

13) The Jacksonville Jaguars will fuck it up.

14) Chris Berman will talk too much using the bullshit baritone voice - ala John Facenda - because he's cool like that.

15) He won't know, or won't care how much football fans hate that voice when he does it - just like they hate his "Back back back - GONE!" home run call at the HR Derby. And it doesn't matter because he makes bank no matter how sucky that voice is.

16) I will wish that Charles Barkley was a commenter on the draft, just so I can hear him say "turrible" and "knuckleheads."

17) Fans will hail 32 GMs as really smart, and having run a great draft.

18) Fans of all 32 teams will curse their team GMs as total idiots, and lament the gloomy future their teams face.

19) Mel Kiper Jr.'s hair will look like it's snapped on.

20) Jon Gruden will be a living reminder of the times our Mom's said "If you keep making that face someday it'll stay that way."

21) 1st rd draftees being able to select walk up music to play as they walk to the podium for the bullshit hug and fistbump with Goodell will not be noticed.

22) Shit. Maybe now it will.

23) Thousands of fans watching on television will marvel at how elite college football players all have really hot girlfriends.

24) Know it alls will get many picks wrong, but the few times they are right, they'll remind their buddies incessantly.

25) There will be a lot of beer commercials.

Monday, May 5, 2014

Salute to corporate "nothing speak" (probably part I)

We will appropriately coordinate best of brand action items.

Best practices should be distinctively bench marked in the interest of accuracy.

An expanded array of catalysts for change shall be cultivated 24/7.

Adaptive applications must aggregate continually.

Uniquely efficient leadership skills disseminate seamlessly.

Networks and niche markets objectively impact deliverables.

"Outside the box thinking" and equity invested methodologies quickly leverage existing intermediaries.

Human capital and dynamic growth strategies dynamically enhance cross platform content.

Distinctive expertise harnesses progressively integrated opportunities.

Credibly communicating cross-functional method of empowerment.

Customer directed imperatives, and markets dynamically aggregate globally.

An expanded array of partnerships synergistically fabricate innovation.

Cost effective organic sources intrinsically develop infrastructures.

ROI scenarios dynamically predominate "just in time" scenarios.

Quality vectors evolve continually.

Ubiquitous testing procedures dramatically re-conceptualize supply chains.

Leading edge web services quickly re-invent e-business.

E-services proactively re-purpose maintainable processes.

Frictionless models facilitate efficiently.

Long term, high impact solutions holistically cultivate core communities.

Diverse supply chains formulate globally client-centered markets.

Cross media ideas seamlessly, and uniquely, facilitate services.